England suffer final indignity as losing has become just part of the routine

The long plane journey from Australia to the UK is an energy-sapping haul at the best of times. Even ‘up front’ away from battery-hen class can be hard work. So imagine the endless tedium endured by England’s cricketers as they headed home, having to stew on the labelling as the worst team statistically from their homeland to ever tour Australia. The latest thumping in the Twenty20 form of the game at Sydney’s Olympic Stadium was the final indignity of a trip which had long ago turned sour.  Some were lucky to make an early escape – Kevin Pietersen and James Anderson were spared the humdrum of the 4-1 one-day verdict. Skipper Alistair Cook handed over the reins to Stuart Broad for the Twenty20 affairs. Broad and Joe Root have been here from the start when the Nottinghamshire quick was swiftly vilified by home fans and press in Brisbane. And Root seemed to have all the spirit drained from him the longer the excruciating sequence of losses went on.  It’s been a painful experience all round. As a supporter I’ve found it very hard to take in. It had come to point where I struggled to care. Twenty 20 with its hackneyed razamataz barely resembles cricket at times. But by the end I would have taken any form of diluted success. Yet the drubbings just went on and on. On Sunday I even gave Gabs permission to turn over from Channel 9 as more woe loomed for England in Sydney. To lose by a margin of 84 runs  in the closing instalment is a hiding in anybody’s language. So trying to fathom out what was going on in Natalie Portman’s head in the wacky film Black Swan seemed more entertaining than merely watching England throw wickets away in another futile run chase. I kept switching back during the ad breaks and trying to predict how many wickets England would have lost at those stages. I was unerringly spot on with my “three” and “six” time slots.  The exasperated commentators on Channel  9 were trying to keep their audience interested but, like England, they were fighting a losing battle.  And before England could finally get on the plane, the fallout from the tour from hell had claimed another high-profile victim with coach Andy Flower seemingly walking away from the wreckage. Who steps in now to try to engineer a revival is anybody’s guess, but the prospect of Ashley Giles hardly sets the excitement bells ringing.  Giles was an average Test player and prone to the odd bout of sulks when things didn’t go quite right. He does not really seem the answer.  Meanwhile,  I see Shane Warne has mischievously thrown his hat into the ring to do the job. Stranger things have happened. And at least he preaches the power of playing positive cricket.  Also, he knows the ins and outs of long airborne travel between Australia and England.  He may even take some fiendish delight in trying to get one over on his old rulers. Warnie has been dubbed the best player never to captain Australia due to various misdemeanours. Is it a far-fetched prospect or one that could snowball?  At least the soap opera of English cricket is never boring.  The Aussie fans have turned up in numbers to supplement the travelling Barmy Army and seem to have enjoyed watching England get hammered.  Stay tuned…

England seek solace as Sydney Test brings curtain down on shambolic tour

And so to Sydney… Merry 2014. It’s certainly been a miserable end to the year just finished with England’s jangled Ashes campaign reaching a new nadir thanks to the limp and clueless surrender at the MCG over Christmas. All the post-mortems are in and it must be said they seem to concur that this was the lowest of the low. The Saturday batting debacle left me almost catatonic for my evening at Adelaide’s Hotel Wright Street. I hope the players felt as bad as I did.  And the suffering wasn’t over.  The Sunday shambles in the field at least kept the incompetence consistent.  And we have managed to transform the run-of-the-mill off-spinner who doesn’t spin the ball, Nathan Lyon, into an apparent world-beater.  At the moment, England would struggle to beat Salesbury third XI. But it’s all over now, so let’s look ahead. Can there be solace of any kind at the SCG? Well. Alastair Cook might win the toss, which would be a good start. But apparently the track is well grassed so if Michael Clarke makes it five out of five, he might invite us to bat anyway. He did put Sri Lanka in last year in their Sydney encounter. It might be another torrid experience. I still can’t believe how quickly things have changed. It was only a few months ago that I was imbibing with some esteemed Aussie scribes in the Argyll Arms in London’s Oxford Circus after the visitors’ batting horror show at Lord’s.  The connection was via Ian Fuge, my great Arsenal-supporting mate who steers the ship of sport at the Sydney Morning Herald. The Aussie press corps were low – totally down in the dumps. “We will have to get used to this,’ said one. “This is how Ashes series are going to be for a long time ahead.” I nodded politely but was quietly looking forward to the thought. How wrong we all were in our musings. The same writers are now having a field day rubbing in England’s hurting. Fair play to ‘em – grab it while you can. At least the English fans should try and enjoy the Sydney setting. The SCG is my favourite Aussie cricket ground. It’s just the right size and has the ambience to still offer a “big stadium’ feel. I always felt the gush about Adelaide Oval was over the top. It was more higgledy-piggledy than picturesque to me. Not that I have a degree in Architecture.  And the MCG is just too big. You can have 45.000 fans in there and it feels like there is no-one watching. The SCG is just right, though I believe it is suffering redevelopment hassles as well. But the location offers up ample pub opportunities. From the trendy watering holes of Paddington – the London Tavern and the Paddington Inn – to the equally accessible stopping-off points via Surry Hills. Is the Cricketers Arms still going?  And you can walk from the city centre without getting thirsty. Enjoy the occasion. Let’s pray for a sudden England turnaround. I know I have been saying that since the Gabba, but you can only live in hope.