Resurgent England hope to add to Australia’s Ashes pain

At the start of the current Ashes series I had worries that familiarity with the respective adversaries and the swift turnaround between series would lessen the enjoyment factor. Oh me of little faith. England’s barnstorming surge to a 3-1 lead with one Test still to play at The Oval was also something that I would have failed to pick. After the abject English surrender of Lord’s I was ready for Australian jackboot domination. But their batsmen forgot how to bat in testing conditions (yes, these are Test matches) at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge while the bowlers were not quite the pace-fuelled assassins they had been imagined. As a result the Aussies have been blown away but the entertainment has not stopped there. The blame game has been going along at full steam with everybody wanting a say about whose fault it has been. It’s been most amusing being in Oz from an English perspective. There seems to have been someone popping up with something to say just about every day since the Aussies meekly surrendered the Ashes at Trent Bridge. Their head man Michael Clarke has joined the list of victims from a taxing tour and he has found himself in the firing line from his own kind as well. Now the drained Aussies have one last five-day encounter to endure until some of them at least can head for home. For others there is still the one-day and Twenty20 rigours around the corner. From England’s point of view it would be good to rub things in with a 4-1 outcome. The unexpected turn of events must be seized on by the home side but such has been the uncertainty of events throughout this series, even that may not come into being. Australia will surely show some kind of fight at The Oval, where the conditions may be more conducive to a few of the batsmen at least hanging around. It’s one of my favourite grounds for viewing both from the perspective of the traditional last Test of the English summer and Lancastrian jousts against Surrey in the County Championship. This year I’m on the wrong side of the world but at least next month I will be able to meet up with mad Surrey fan Pete Wilson for the reverse fixture at Old Trafford. Hopefully by then both our teams will have edged nearer promotion. Pete procured out Test tickets for the first day of Oval Ashes action of 2013 when England had again already wrapped up the series. And there was a Lancastrian connection to that day’s happenings. Alas, it wasn’t one to remember for me. Young Lanky spinner Simon Kerrigan was handed his Test debut and the Aussies took a liking to him, particularly Shane Watson, fairly carting him around the ground. Kerrigan has not appeared since. But let’s hope it’s another joyous English performance to see out the summer. There are plenty of hostelries in the Kennington vicinity to celebrate potential English success with my own favourite being the Prince of Wales. Or maybe it will be a fresh start for Australia. But even though Clarke is standing down with Steve Smith taking over the captaincy after this Test, all does not exactly seem sweetness and light in their ranks. There was some surprise to many when Dave Warner was appointed vice-captain. The previously resident motormouth insists he is a reformed character. We shall see. There was an interesting debate on Triple M’s weekend cricketing show Willow Talk, where respected sports journalist Robert ‘Crash’ Craddock suggested to the panel of Matthew Hayden, Adam Gilchrist and Mark Waugh that Nathan Lyon would have been a better option than Warner as Smith’s deputy. So there are still uncertainties and unknowns abounding regarding the harassed Aussie personnel. And their brittle batsmanship was evidenced again this week when Northamptonshire caused them some embarrassing moments in the tour game. One thing is for sure, even though the series is sealed, I never subscribe to the view that there is a ‘dead’ rubber in Ashes combat. For all the flak that Clarke has had to put up with from pundits and former players, he will want to go out on a high. It’s up to resurgent England to prevent that by carrying on as they have been.

Lord’s looms as crossroads Test with Ashes contest taking a strange turn

Episode two. Lord’s. After my initial indifference to the start of an overkill of Ashes collision, England’s surprise success at Cardiff has got me anticipating the follow-up event like a better-than-usual Doctor Who series. I really didn’t see the England landslide win coming. It was as overwhelming as David Cameron’s Conservatives majority verdict at the last UK election just a few months ago. Except a bit more welcome. Now that the unexpected has happened what can we expect next? The Aussies surely can’t play as badly. And everything that can go right for England, surely can’t just fall into place again. Or can it? If Australia do decide to jettison the much maligned Shane Watson, it will mean they will be without him, Brad Haddin and Ryan Harris after just one Test since they chose their touring party back in Oz. It suddenly leaves a lower order batting line-up of Adam Voges, Mitch Marsh and out-and-out new keeper Peter Nevill. If the upper order continues their recent uncertain traits, that could suddenly be viewed as a potential soft underbelly. For all the feisty rhetoric that Michael Clarke is naturally coming out with, Cardiff must have been a stunner to the usually swaggering Aussies. Their supposed speed attack that was meant have England running scared served up total drivel on day one at Cardiff. It seemed only England’s rush of over-enthusiasm was getting them out. And a repeat at Lord’s would really hurt Aussie spirits. Remember this is the ground where Mitchell Johnson totally unravelled in the 2009 series and became a figure of fun for the English fans. He wasn’t even around last time here. That memory must be bouncing around in his head somewhere as he approaches the scene of his humiliation once more. The fans may be a bit more genteel at Lord’s than elsewhere on the UK circuit, but they will surely be swift to doll out the stick if ol’ Mitch reverts to his bad old days and starts spraying the ball around again. And the strange slope at the home of cricket could provide a few headaches for the new wicketkeeper Nevill. Haddin may have spilled the catch that no-one is letting him forget at Cardiff but he does know his way around this quirky acre of green in St John’s Wood. He isn’t playing due to unforeseen circumstances but if things go awry, the Aussies will be wishing he was still there. This Test could be the crossroads. England could inflict further pain on a suddenly frail-looking Aussie outfit. Or normal service could be resumed with Clarke’s colonials rediscovering the mental muscle that made them Ashes favourites in the first place. It promises to be compulsive viewing.

A case of Ashes overkill, but we will all soon be in the mood for a contest

Here we go again. The Ashes. And despite the cricketing collision being one of sport’s truly volatile rivalries, isn’t this overdoing things a little bit? I look forward to watching England take on the Aussies, but these days the combatants seem to be at their opponents’ throats almost permanently. I also enjoy a temporary abatement so that I can truly relish the action starting, particularly at Test level. But as the captains toss the coin at Cardiff, it will have been only two years since we last went through this contest on UK soil. The traditional gap has always been four years between respective series in the two counties. Nobody that I can find has come up with a reason why it’s suddenly all been hurried along again. In 2013 England were fortunate, in my view, to earn a 3-0 series success. But straight away it was back down under to have the return series concertinaed in so that the Aussies enjoyed a swift ruthless 5-0 whitewash revenge. Granted, that series, we were told was brought forward by 12 months so as to allow a clear playing field for the recent cricket World Cup. But it seems like cricket’s rulers want too much of a good thing. I need a break from watching boors like Dave Warner and Brad Haddin mouthing off incessantly. The caricature style of the ugly Aussie cricketer was seemingly bestowed with intellectual status when Steve Waugh dubbed such goings-on as “mental disintegration’’ of the opposition. I’m just a humble spectator but it’s always looked the work of over-the-top braggarts to me. I still can’t see how Michael Clarke’s warning to Jimmy Anderson in the first Test of the last series to “get ready for a broken fucking arm’’ when facing Mitchell Johnson, approaches anything like supposed sophisticated mind games. Maybe it’s me actually over-reacting to off the cuff banter. But familiarity breeds contempt, as the saying goes. I would have been quite happy to see how the evolving and see-sawing series between England and New Zealand would have panned out. Instead, it was all over after just two Tests with one victory apiece and some high-scoring one-dayers. Both were much needed after England’s lamentable World Cup campaign. Yet there was a feeling of unfinished business. Now we have Clarke and his lippy larrikins back again, promising to play “hard, competitive cricket.” It’s not meant to be all smiles, cucumber butties and high tea, cos it’s the Ashes so I don’t suppose we will have to wait long for the first blow-up. And once play gets underway in Cardiff, I’m sure I will be in the mood and can push to one side any misgivings about Ashes overkill. Especially if Warner exits in the opening over should Australia bat first. Wishful thinking but I’m warming to the thought already. This will be my first series watching a UK-based series on the telly in Oz for a while. It was good to be working in London for the 2013 version. And it will certainly put things in a different perspective for my viewing this time. So we may as well get on with it…

England remember to how to enjoy themselves with Trevor Bayliss set to take the reins

What a difference a week makes. On the eve of the first cricket Test between England and New Zealand at Lord’s, I was feeling sorry for the potential incumbent coach Jason Gillespie. Even an Aussie didn’t deserve to take over such a basket case team as England had become. The Kevin Pietersen saga just would not go away and England seemed to have missed a great chance to have fuelled an admittedly overcooked box office draw by not recalling the errant and seemingly unloved genius. And the Kiwis were coming over the horizon, ready to inflict further pain on us hapless Poms. At 30 for four on the first morning, things were going all too much according to the dismal script. But somewhere in between times, England turned things on their head. In a classic Test match, they discovered the thrill of enjoying themselves again. During the last two horror visits down under – the 5-0 Ashes wipe out and the recent one-day World Cup debacle – most of the players looked as though they would have had more fun digging roads for a living than actually playing cricket in the Antipodes. But now it’s a case of bring on the second Test at Headingley. And the coaching situation has taken just as severe a twist with “Dizzy’ Gillespie – everyone’s favourite for the job – being outflanked by another Aussie, Trevor Bayliss. I stayed up through the night to watch the Lord’s finale on the box and could not believe it as the Bayliss development was thrown in among the commentators as some virtual bizarre aside. It seems that it’s going to happen. What a tumultuous turnaround. It was a joy to watch the Lord’s crowd lap up the last day events. Even now, it’s only England who know that they can sell out a Test venue on the fifth day. Admittedly the grounds are smaller but in Oz, everybody of an Anglo persuasion jokes that the home supporters have come dressed as the invisible men. Such are the countless banks of empty seats. Meanwhile, the late night cricketing viewing will be spiced up even more when Michael Clarke and his cohorts begin their Test series in the Caribbean soon against the West Indies. The turgid tracks prepared over there for the recent 1-1 series against England hint that things may become hard work for the Aussies. It may be a taxing assignment before they head to the old country for the Ashes collision. After the events of the last week, I would be hesitant to predict what will happen. The Aussies will start favourites but there are a few of ‘em are approaching old-timer status, so maybe if things don’t go well early on, it may get interesting. But first there is another Test against New Zealand. After the opening encounter I just wish things could go on for longer. A two-Test series is hardly worth the bother. Things are only just getting started after a humdinger of an opener. The Kiwis deserve better. They have brought their barnstorming brand of cricket to Blighty and played their part in a classic Test. They deserve a full summer to keep things boiling over. Alas, we will just have to make do with the second instalment at Headingley. But that promises to be great fun. And on Gillespie’s home ground in his role as coaching mentor at Yorkshire. Wonder what he thinks now. What a mad week…

Aussie teams have credentials to make big impression on the World scene

“We want the world and we want it now,” as Jim Morrison once preached with The Doors. Well it looks like two of Australia’s sporting sides could be making great strides on the world stage after their exploits over the past weekend. Ange Postecoglou’s Socceroos lifted the Asian Cup in swashbuckling style with a 2-1 extra-time win over South Korea in Sydney. Now they have announced themselves as the real deal, Ange now wants to make an impact with a global agenda. Namely, the World Cup in Russia in 2018. And who would bet against that. With the cricket World Cup getting in motion on February 14, the Aussies showed that they are right in the mood to impress after a 112-run thumping of hapless, hopeless England in Perth to claim the Tri-Nations series. You would have to back them to go far when they co-host the tournament with New Zealand. For England, many of the faces may have changed from last summer’s Ashes drubbing but the results stay the same. Three one-day games against Oz and three defeats. India have been in a losing vein since they got here so at least Eoin Morgan’s team made it to the final. Morgan uttered some brave words after the hammering but they rang hollow. If the players aren’t already fearing the worst, some of the England fans are. Namely, me. I was in the Warradale Hotel with Gabs, Cathy McMillan and Bronagh McErlean but could hardly be bothered watching as the one-sided rout unfolded. As Bryan Ferry crooned with Roxy Music: “the same old scene.” Perhaps the only hope that England and others can have of Australia coming off the rails is if the Aussie selectors recall Michael Clarke. Maybe that could create come ripples in the ranks as they are doing quite a good job without him. There must be some tensions about a player who seems to garner preferential treatment with the men in high places reluctantly appearing to be bending over backwards to give Clarke his fitness schedule in order to earn a place. England’s chances look minimal. They have never won the World Cup since its inception on home soil in 1975. I recall them being blown away by the Aussies at Headingley with Gary Gilmour doing the damage, swinging the ball sideways under grey Yorkshire skies. As the Adverts once yelled: “looking through Gary Gilmore’s eyes.” Only kiddin’ – not that Gary Gilmore. They made it to the final in 1979 but were easily overcome by the West Indies. There have been two more finals. In 1987 they seemed to be coasting against the Aussies until Mike Gatting’s ill-advised reverse sweep proved a fatal turning point. In 1992 they faced off against Pakistan at the MCG. I made a hasty plane trip from Sydney to be there but again, it was all in a losing cause. I can’t help thinking that the presence of Kevin Pietersen would have helped their chances but he seems well out of the loop. He came across as trying to be a decent bloke during the Big Bash when he was tuned in with the commentary team upstairs. But then when he left Australia, he apparently did so showing off in a first-class seat sipping champagne. He really likes rubbing folk’s noses in it. Hardly a gesture by a man of the people. Let’s hope England can prove me wrong on February 14, but it will need a dramatic turnaround. Meanwhile, the Socceroos can rightly bask in their achievement. Coach Postecoglou seemed to get everything right. And the new names just keep jumping out at you. Massimo Luongo scored a stunning first goal and earned his rave reviews. His club side, Swindon Town from England’s third tier, have reportedly turned down a bid from an unnamed Turkish club for him set at two million quid. The midfielder may be going places. Now the Aussies can look forward to grabbing more attention on the way to the next World Cup. Ange reckons he wants to make an impression – not merely make up the numbers. Good on him. As the Adelaide-based Blackburnian philosopher Eric Spiby says – football, or soccer as they dub it over here, is the only sport that Aussies play with an inferiority complex. Everything else – cricket, tennis, swimming, cycling and more – they go at with gusto. Well, the Asian Cup heroics have surely changed all that. As Freddie Mercury once bellowed with Queen: “We are the champions, my friend.” Today, Asia, tomorrow the world. Maybe.

Australia can be hailed as world-beaters despite fresh bad-boy behaviour

Australia deserve to lay claim to being the best Test cricketing team in the world.  The red tape of the current standings mean that they are not allowed to officially do so. But having beaten top dogs South Africa on their own turf, it is plain to see where the reality lies.  With perennial bad travellers India arriving on Australian shores for a four-Test series next summer, it seems only a matter of time before things are put in true perspective.  As an Englishman, it hurts me to say that but the Aussies deserve all the accolades that may come their way after a gripping series.  They left it late on the final day in Cape Town to seal a 2-1 series verdict as South Africa looked like doing a repeat of their “great escape” in Adelaide in November 2012. However, in the end,  Ryan Harris’s last-gasp heroics did the trick. If the Proteas had held out, skipper Michael Clarke would have had only himself to blame.  For once his tactics seemed out of sync on the fourth day when he appeared to delay his declaration needlessly.  Fair enough,  the  Aussies were scoring runs at a phenomenal rate and South Africa were backpedalling to such an extent that they had every fielder located on the boundary.  Yet Clarke’s dilly-dallying indicated a rare lack of perspective.  He must have been a relieved man when things worked out after a long, hot final day of South African resistance.  Graeme Smith’s men deserve much applause for the way they kept going in the face of an apparent hopeless task. The plucky resistance put England’s recent feeble efforts in Australia in an even more embarrassing light.  At the end of sparkling summer, Australia have turned their fortunes round completely.  After the 4-0 rout in India, then arriving in England looking like a rabble for the Northern Ashes series and suffering another beating,  such an outcome would have appeared fanciful, if not ridiculous. It’s been a  phenomenal  team  effort with spectacular individual performances from Mitchell Johnson and Dave Warner.  Pocket rocket Warner has been described by Proteas’ coach Allan Donald as the most dangerous batsman since Brian Lara.  Quite an accolade. And well merited.  Indeed, Warner has progressed from being a Big Bash novelty act to a bona fide Test great. What a shame he appears to be such a prat.  Every time he opens his mouth, he seems to spout some new drivel.  Still, he’s a sportsman not an orator.  Sadly that image seems to live with the Aussies. Even Clarke let himself down with his foul-mouthed rant at Dale Steyn as things got heated in the final stages of the Test. With umpires and players having to intervene,  Clarke displayed boorish behaviour that was straight from the Roy Keane school of footballing diplomacy when the Irish midfielder was at his spiteful best for Manchester United.  It’s all very well coming out with profuse apologies after the event, but it’s not a good look.  Is this what the Aussies call “playing good, hard cricket” or a stressed captain sparking an outbreak of childish bullying tactics towards opponents and umpires?  In the end, such playground tantrums could not take anything from an absorbing series. Michael Holding spoke for many of us from the TV commentary box as the last day unfolded.  He jokingly said:  “Breaking news – the three Twenty20 games have been cancelled and we are going to have an extra Test.”  If only, Mikey, if only… Wonderful  wishful  thinking on his part.

 

Australia’s abrupt fall from grace sets up perfect script for Test decider

Australia’s captivating tour of South Africa heads to Cape Town for the final instalment of the three-Test series starting on Saturday.  The hosts rewrote the form book to give the Aussies a thumping in the second Test at Port Elizabeth.  After Michael Clarke’s men had enjoyed a seamless run of six consecutive Test victories (albeit five against a hopeless England), it must have been a shock to the system. It certainly surprised me. What happens from here is anybody’s guess. As I have said before, it’s just a shame that the series is not a five-Test contest.  It leaves a feeling of frustration that the plot has not been played out to its proper conclusion. I felt the same when South Africa were last touring in Australia in late 2012. The Proteas’ “great escape” in Adelaide set things up for an enthralling ride which was cut short with a mere three Tests.  It seems to be in vogue throughout world cricket to have shortened series – apart from the Ashes – to fit in with a permanently congested calendar. In England there appears to be a “minor” series happening from May each season. At that stage of the year, you can still have frostbite on your fingers fielding in the slip cordon and cricketing events always seem to be getting creakily underway before the sun finally makes an appearance (we hope) in the main summer months of June, July and August. Last year it was the New Zealanders who provided a warm-up exercise for  Alastair Cook’s men before the blockbuster first act of back-to-back Ashes confrontations took centre stage.  It is a real irritant for me, but with the global demands of 50-over cricket and the ever-growing razamataz of Twenty20, I suppose this is the harsh reality.  Anyway, from my neutral corner,  the Cape Town decider looks an appetising affair. The Port Elizabeth rout seems to indicate that the Aussies will be looking to rush Shane Watson back into their ranks. The injury-prone allrounder would bolster the bowling contingent, who looked strangely subdued as South Africa took firm control of the second Test.  Mitchell Johnson was back to being a mere mortal in his bowling stints and even got a whack on the helmet when he batted as the South Africans showed they were not going to be messed about. His erstwhile partners in crime Ryan Harris and Peter Siddle could almost have been diagnosed with having caught the Jimmy Anderson disease. Both seemed tired, listless and down on pace.  They have had a heavy workload. Maybe it is beginning to tell. I always reckoned that Harris would break down at some stage of the combined Ashes tours. He didn’t. Now here he is, still running in hardily, but showing signs of fatigue.  And the same seems true for Siddle.  Even his heavy intake of bananas can’t keep him going for ever. It was left to the unheralded spin of Nathan Lyon to snare a tidy haul of victims and keep the South Africans in some kind of check. Both captains – Graeme Smith and Clarke – are out of form and short of runs so at least that evens itself out ahead of the decider. But even if Shaun Marsh or Alex Doolan drops out to accommodate Watson, the Aussie batting line-up looks the one more likely to implode.  This was even evident in the Ashes Tests but here Brad Haddin has been unable to come to the crease and implement his renowned one-man rescue act. If only he had done this a couple of months ago, it would have lifted many Englishmen’s state of mind. It’s all to play for and the game should be a cracker. However, my appetite won’t be sated after three Tests.  It’s a real disappointment there isn’t going to be more to savour…

Graeme Smith knows how Alastair Cook felt as he searches for swift solution

Now it’s Graeme Smith’s turn to try to fathom out a way of halting the refuelled Australian cricketing juggernaut. The South African captain has just a matter of days to revive his battered and bruised troops in time for the second Test in Port Elizabeth after the chastening capitulation at Centurion.   Destroyer-in-chief Mitchell Johnson proved he was not just a one-series wonder when he followed up his recent Ashes heroics with a blistering exhibition of pace bowling that left the hosts blinking in disbelief.  If the Proteas were caught unawares during their first Test unravelling, they should earlier have given England captain Alastair Cook a quick bell on his mobile before hostilities got underway. Then again, maybe Cook would not have wanted to relive the horrors of England’s harrowing tour down under so soon. The after-effects must still be numbing for him after Johnson had orchestrated the Ashes meltdown.  Now, here was the pumped-up  paceman doing it all again, bringing the world’s top-ranked Test team literally to its knees  as wickets were taken and heads were cracked amid a venomous barrage.  I tip my hat to the Aussies.  They strolled the Ashes in a 5-0 cakewalk but I had put that down to an ill-prepared, over-confident England sinking into a state of utter disrepair as much as the upbeat captaincy of Michael Clarke, plus Johnson and his pace cohorts. It looks like I was wrong and that they might be a better team than I imagined. Smith probably thought the same as me.  He won the toss and sent the Aussies in, with much anticipation.  But that was all Smith got right.  Johnson had him upside down, inside out and back to front as he bounced him out in the first innings. Smith delivered some brave words after the four-day defeat.  He said the trampoline qualities of the pitch had helped Johnson bag his 12-wicket haul. His men would regroup, he added. Smith even felt the result could have a wake-up effect on his charges. It all sounded eerily familiar. It was the same mantra that the browbeaten Cook had trotted out to no avail so recently. I hate to say it, but these Aussies might actually be the real deal. As they gather ominous momentum, everything they do seems to come off.  They have so many in-form batsmen that Shane Watson may not gain an instant recall for the second Test. And the luck keeps going their way.  Two outrageous catches stuck for Alex Doolan at short square leg while the hapless hosts managed to drop David Warner three times on the way to his century.  The man I love to loathe doesn’t even sound so brazen in his post-play comments. The South Africans had been sloppy in the field and deserved any derision that came their way. Maybe Warner really is growing up.  His comments were accurate and apt.  It’s another sign that the team that I loathe to love is zooming to the summit of world Test cricket.  Smith has also consoled himself with the fact that the track for the second Test will not contain the pace of Centurion, thereby neutering the threat of Johnson.  It will be akin to a flat surface in Adelaide, we are told. Yet look what happened to England on that Black Saturday at Adelaide Oval just a few weeks ago when Johnson ran amok. I was there, I saw it first-hand. Maybe in years to come I will say I was happy to witness such a piece of masterful fast bowling brutality.  I doubt it. For pace perfection, I would much rather recall Wasim Akram in his Lancashire days destroying Yorkshire at Old Trafford in a Roses clash in the 1990s. My bias and loyalty fails to mutate horror memories into sudden sweet “I was there” moments.  I was at the MCG in the 94-95 series when Shane Warne nabbed his hat-trick against England. That still hurts. At present, there seems to be no stopping Johnson. His fragile mind appears to be a symptom of long ago. However, Smith insists his Proteas have it within them to remind Johnson of those less bountiful times and turn things around. It should be another fascinating contest.  I’m chilled out in the neutral corner so can just recline, relax and take it all in.  Unlike the South African batsmen.  My sole regret is that the series is only scheduled for three Tests.  A five-Test confrontation would really sort out who was the boss.   Captain Smith must already feel it’s going to be a bumpy ride…

England pain complete as Ashes rout finishes with recurring nightmare

It feels like a case of deja-vu… It feels like a case of deja-vu… It feels like a case of deja-vu… Er, sorry but to borrow a line from a King Crimson song of the early Eighties: “I repeat myself when I am under stress.”  That’s what England’s Ashes humbling has done to me. Watching the final instalment of the implosion on Channel 9 from the SCG on only the scheduled third day, I almost knew what was coming next as the visitors’ brittle batting folded hopelessly again. You didn’t need to be a clairvoyant or a fatalist to see what the script would be, it’s been like this since Brisbane it seems. I was almost anaesthetised to the chaos by the closing throes. And so, to grab another chorus from the 1980s, “We’re glad it’s all over.”  That was Captain Sensible’s  lament.  But over it is. Over and out. I no longer have to suffer repeated viewings of Brad Haddin coming to the crease at number seven to save a listing Aussie ship from submerging in a first innings sea storm. And I no longer have to cringe as Mitch Johnson roars in to inflict more wicket-taking and physical pain on England’s increasingly disorientated batsmen. It’s been a truly galling sporting event with five grisly episodes. I tried to think of any corresponding  disasters down all the years of following Blackburn Rovers on the football field, Lancashire in the cricketing arena or English teams at both codes. Nothing really comes close. Past Ashes landslides were almost expected cos of the respective personnel. This was meant to be close. These Aussies are good but not great. But we have elevated them to greatness now. I had originally planned to travel to Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney. Thankfully finances dictated otherwise, so my live traumas in the torture chamber were limited to four days on Adelaide Oval.  Yet back on that first day at the Gabba, it seemed that all was going well with England’s bowlers making inroads through the Aussie top order. Then in came Haddin. Rugged in demeanour with a hint of impishness, and by the end of the series, totally irritating. One rescue act after another. It just kept happening. To me, he was the man of the series because he gave Johnson  the platform to perform on after Australia had amassed formidable leads. If Mitch had not clicked, one of the other Aussie quicks could have done the damage anyway. Our fast bowlers could not answer in similar style, though Stuart Broad revved himself up in a few sessions. James Anderson looked plain tired, while in their brief appearances, Chris Tremlett and Boyd Rankin exuded all the menace of a pair of enormous, fluffy cuddly toys. As the series unfolded, the more everything paid off for the swaggering Aussies and the deeper the hole England found themselves in. There were notable victims along the way – Jonathan Trott (remember him?), a retiring Graeme Swann and a plummeting Matt Prior.  We all know the story so I don’t need to re-tell it. Now we just have to stomach as Aussie victory parade on the TV tomorrow. I think I might give that a miss. I still find the Aussies very uncouth warriors, even though they were so much superior in all facets. As the ever-avuncular and gracious Sir Bobby Robson said after a surprise win by his Newcastle United side over Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal at the old Highbury stadium just before Christmas 2001: “Arsenal need to learn how to lose.”  Sir Bobby was referring to the petulant “we woz robbed” ream of excuses that the Wenger regime can sometimes spit out. Even now… I feel that applies in reverse to Michael Clarke, the squeaky-voiced Aussie leader and his band of boorish victors. As the Aussies chirped out their childish ‘five-nil, five-nil ’ dirge on the SCG presentation stage, watching Aussie fan Phil Spence, of the Maylands parish, said: “There is a difference between winning in style and being a bunch of smart-alecs. They should save that crap for the dressing  room.” But at least one English supporter, Philippa Chadwick, due to fly back to the homeland this week, disagrees. “We dished it out to them pretty badly over, there,” she said. Oh well, maybe I missed it when I was back in and around London. I do remember getting a host of email jokes about Aussie cricket after their second Test cave-in at Lord’s though. “What is the difference between Michael Clarke and an undertaker?” was one question. “An undertaker doesn’t keep losing the ashes” Uh, uh, that simply doesn’t apply any more thanks to the mind-blowing reversal of fortunes.  And to reiterate just what Australia owes to that first Haddin intervention can be gauged from the view of my Aussie physio, Andrew Zealand. “Haddin didn’t just save the first Test, ‘ said Andrew. “He saved the series and the whole summer.” Andrew reckoned that if the Aussies had have gone down then, that would have been the start of a whole different story and the home crowds could have deserted a losing team. Remember, England did start the series as slight favourites and no pundits or ex-players, including Merv Hughes, were tipping a home series romp. Depending which version you listen to, Australia were quoted as anything from 66-1 to 100-1 at the bookies to achieve a 5-0 clean-sweep. So well played, Darren Lehmann and co. It’s been an astonishing turnaround. I’m still spinning. For all the wrong reasons. There’s still the one-dayers to look forward to. There’s still the one-dayers to look forward to. Oh, I forgot – I repeat myself when I am under stress.

England seek solace as Sydney Test brings curtain down on shambolic tour

And so to Sydney… Merry 2014. It’s certainly been a miserable end to the year just finished with England’s jangled Ashes campaign reaching a new nadir thanks to the limp and clueless surrender at the MCG over Christmas. All the post-mortems are in and it must be said they seem to concur that this was the lowest of the low. The Saturday batting debacle left me almost catatonic for my evening at Adelaide’s Hotel Wright Street. I hope the players felt as bad as I did.  And the suffering wasn’t over.  The Sunday shambles in the field at least kept the incompetence consistent.  And we have managed to transform the run-of-the-mill off-spinner who doesn’t spin the ball, Nathan Lyon, into an apparent world-beater.  At the moment, England would struggle to beat Salesbury third XI. But it’s all over now, so let’s look ahead. Can there be solace of any kind at the SCG? Well. Alastair Cook might win the toss, which would be a good start. But apparently the track is well grassed so if Michael Clarke makes it five out of five, he might invite us to bat anyway. He did put Sri Lanka in last year in their Sydney encounter. It might be another torrid experience. I still can’t believe how quickly things have changed. It was only a few months ago that I was imbibing with some esteemed Aussie scribes in the Argyll Arms in London’s Oxford Circus after the visitors’ batting horror show at Lord’s.  The connection was via Ian Fuge, my great Arsenal-supporting mate who steers the ship of sport at the Sydney Morning Herald. The Aussie press corps were low – totally down in the dumps. “We will have to get used to this,’ said one. “This is how Ashes series are going to be for a long time ahead.” I nodded politely but was quietly looking forward to the thought. How wrong we all were in our musings. The same writers are now having a field day rubbing in England’s hurting. Fair play to ‘em – grab it while you can. At least the English fans should try and enjoy the Sydney setting. The SCG is my favourite Aussie cricket ground. It’s just the right size and has the ambience to still offer a “big stadium’ feel. I always felt the gush about Adelaide Oval was over the top. It was more higgledy-piggledy than picturesque to me. Not that I have a degree in Architecture.  And the MCG is just too big. You can have 45.000 fans in there and it feels like there is no-one watching. The SCG is just right, though I believe it is suffering redevelopment hassles as well. But the location offers up ample pub opportunities. From the trendy watering holes of Paddington – the London Tavern and the Paddington Inn – to the equally accessible stopping-off points via Surry Hills. Is the Cricketers Arms still going?  And you can walk from the city centre without getting thirsty. Enjoy the occasion. Let’s pray for a sudden England turnaround. I know I have been saying that since the Gabba, but you can only live in hope.