England suffer final indignity as losing has become just part of the routine

The long plane journey from Australia to the UK is an energy-sapping haul at the best of times. Even ‘up front’ away from battery-hen class can be hard work. So imagine the endless tedium endured by England’s cricketers as they headed home, having to stew on the labelling as the worst team statistically from their homeland to ever tour Australia. The latest thumping in the Twenty20 form of the game at Sydney’s Olympic Stadium was the final indignity of a trip which had long ago turned sour.  Some were lucky to make an early escape – Kevin Pietersen and James Anderson were spared the humdrum of the 4-1 one-day verdict. Skipper Alistair Cook handed over the reins to Stuart Broad for the Twenty20 affairs. Broad and Joe Root have been here from the start when the Nottinghamshire quick was swiftly vilified by home fans and press in Brisbane. And Root seemed to have all the spirit drained from him the longer the excruciating sequence of losses went on.  It’s been a painful experience all round. As a supporter I’ve found it very hard to take in. It had come to point where I struggled to care. Twenty 20 with its hackneyed razamataz barely resembles cricket at times. But by the end I would have taken any form of diluted success. Yet the drubbings just went on and on. On Sunday I even gave Gabs permission to turn over from Channel 9 as more woe loomed for England in Sydney. To lose by a margin of 84 runs  in the closing instalment is a hiding in anybody’s language. So trying to fathom out what was going on in Natalie Portman’s head in the wacky film Black Swan seemed more entertaining than merely watching England throw wickets away in another futile run chase. I kept switching back during the ad breaks and trying to predict how many wickets England would have lost at those stages. I was unerringly spot on with my “three” and “six” time slots.  The exasperated commentators on Channel  9 were trying to keep their audience interested but, like England, they were fighting a losing battle.  And before England could finally get on the plane, the fallout from the tour from hell had claimed another high-profile victim with coach Andy Flower seemingly walking away from the wreckage. Who steps in now to try to engineer a revival is anybody’s guess, but the prospect of Ashley Giles hardly sets the excitement bells ringing.  Giles was an average Test player and prone to the odd bout of sulks when things didn’t go quite right. He does not really seem the answer.  Meanwhile,  I see Shane Warne has mischievously thrown his hat into the ring to do the job. Stranger things have happened. And at least he preaches the power of playing positive cricket.  Also, he knows the ins and outs of long airborne travel between Australia and England.  He may even take some fiendish delight in trying to get one over on his old rulers. Warnie has been dubbed the best player never to captain Australia due to various misdemeanours. Is it a far-fetched prospect or one that could snowball?  At least the soap opera of English cricket is never boring.  The Aussie fans have turned up in numbers to supplement the travelling Barmy Army and seem to have enjoyed watching England get hammered.  Stay tuned…

Grumpiness sets in after ruthless Aussies regain Ashes

Oh well, 3-0 to the odious Aussies. In swift time too. Three Tests of total dominance. The Ashes are back down under. Fair dos to  ‘em, they have marmalised us in a manner that I didn’t see coming. So you have to say well done to Michael Clarke’s mob. They have brutalised us. But don’t expect me to like them. Any team with the obnoxious  David Warner in their ranks must stink. Even so, it’s laughing rights to them – with two Tests to go.  Things could even get worse. I admit I’m not very good at losing, but the Aussies are totally graceless at winning. Especially you-know-who. There he was on the telly giving Joe Root an “on your way” wave on his exit. It’s fair game from the seats but surely not from the middle. I wonder what the sadly absent Richie Benaud would have made of this total lack of style. Of course, Root is the player that Warner tried to stick a punch on in a Birmingham bar just a few months ago. That’s when England were winning Test matches. The change in fortunes has been mind-boggling. England suddenly look like a team in decline. James Anderson and Graeme Swann have been taken to the cleaners. Kevin Pietersen has been playing like, well, er, Kevin Pietersen.  It’s just that doesn’t seem to believe his own hype any more. Yet, if you tried to rein him in, he would never have taken on Brett Lee in that amazing blitz during the Oval Test of 2005 where England secured the Ashes after an enthralling summer.  So it’s on to Melbourne. What can England do? Well, Alistair Cook can try and win the toss for starters. It would be good to bat first instead of having to endure the irritating repetition of the first three Tests. The Aussies have clocked up massive scores – but only after England thrice ripped through their upper order then run into roadblocks in the form of Brad Haddin and co. It’s been bizarre.  But well done to Australia. I don’t feel like going on for too long cos I feel grumpiness setting in. Not everyone can lose with a smile. I remember a tale from 1966 when England were on the way to fortuitously beating the then West Germany 4-2 in the World Cup final at Wembley.  The great Scottish icon Denis Law was on a golf course somewhere at the time that the game was going on. Somebody on the course recognised him and said “Hey, Denis, why aren’t you watching the match?” As a proud Scot, he had assumed the worst result for him  would happen and replied coldly: “Why would I want to watch the bloody English win a World Cup?”  Enough said. At least I feel in regal company now.  I may not have been in Perth but why would I leave Channel 9 switched on to watch the cocky Aussies celebrate their overdue achievement?