England pain complete as Ashes rout finishes with recurring nightmare

It feels like a case of deja-vu… It feels like a case of deja-vu… It feels like a case of deja-vu… Er, sorry but to borrow a line from a King Crimson song of the early Eighties: “I repeat myself when I am under stress.”  That’s what England’s Ashes humbling has done to me. Watching the final instalment of the implosion on Channel 9 from the SCG on only the scheduled third day, I almost knew what was coming next as the visitors’ brittle batting folded hopelessly again. You didn’t need to be a clairvoyant or a fatalist to see what the script would be, it’s been like this since Brisbane it seems. I was almost anaesthetised to the chaos by the closing throes. And so, to grab another chorus from the 1980s, “We’re glad it’s all over.”  That was Captain Sensible’s  lament.  But over it is. Over and out. I no longer have to suffer repeated viewings of Brad Haddin coming to the crease at number seven to save a listing Aussie ship from submerging in a first innings sea storm. And I no longer have to cringe as Mitch Johnson roars in to inflict more wicket-taking and physical pain on England’s increasingly disorientated batsmen. It’s been a truly galling sporting event with five grisly episodes. I tried to think of any corresponding  disasters down all the years of following Blackburn Rovers on the football field, Lancashire in the cricketing arena or English teams at both codes. Nothing really comes close. Past Ashes landslides were almost expected cos of the respective personnel. This was meant to be close. These Aussies are good but not great. But we have elevated them to greatness now. I had originally planned to travel to Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney. Thankfully finances dictated otherwise, so my live traumas in the torture chamber were limited to four days on Adelaide Oval.  Yet back on that first day at the Gabba, it seemed that all was going well with England’s bowlers making inroads through the Aussie top order. Then in came Haddin. Rugged in demeanour with a hint of impishness, and by the end of the series, totally irritating. One rescue act after another. It just kept happening. To me, he was the man of the series because he gave Johnson  the platform to perform on after Australia had amassed formidable leads. If Mitch had not clicked, one of the other Aussie quicks could have done the damage anyway. Our fast bowlers could not answer in similar style, though Stuart Broad revved himself up in a few sessions. James Anderson looked plain tired, while in their brief appearances, Chris Tremlett and Boyd Rankin exuded all the menace of a pair of enormous, fluffy cuddly toys. As the series unfolded, the more everything paid off for the swaggering Aussies and the deeper the hole England found themselves in. There were notable victims along the way – Jonathan Trott (remember him?), a retiring Graeme Swann and a plummeting Matt Prior.  We all know the story so I don’t need to re-tell it. Now we just have to stomach as Aussie victory parade on the TV tomorrow. I think I might give that a miss. I still find the Aussies very uncouth warriors, even though they were so much superior in all facets. As the ever-avuncular and gracious Sir Bobby Robson said after a surprise win by his Newcastle United side over Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal at the old Highbury stadium just before Christmas 2001: “Arsenal need to learn how to lose.”  Sir Bobby was referring to the petulant “we woz robbed” ream of excuses that the Wenger regime can sometimes spit out. Even now… I feel that applies in reverse to Michael Clarke, the squeaky-voiced Aussie leader and his band of boorish victors. As the Aussies chirped out their childish ‘five-nil, five-nil ’ dirge on the SCG presentation stage, watching Aussie fan Phil Spence, of the Maylands parish, said: “There is a difference between winning in style and being a bunch of smart-alecs. They should save that crap for the dressing  room.” But at least one English supporter, Philippa Chadwick, due to fly back to the homeland this week, disagrees. “We dished it out to them pretty badly over, there,” she said. Oh well, maybe I missed it when I was back in and around London. I do remember getting a host of email jokes about Aussie cricket after their second Test cave-in at Lord’s though. “What is the difference between Michael Clarke and an undertaker?” was one question. “An undertaker doesn’t keep losing the ashes” Uh, uh, that simply doesn’t apply any more thanks to the mind-blowing reversal of fortunes.  And to reiterate just what Australia owes to that first Haddin intervention can be gauged from the view of my Aussie physio, Andrew Zealand. “Haddin didn’t just save the first Test, ‘ said Andrew. “He saved the series and the whole summer.” Andrew reckoned that if the Aussies had have gone down then, that would have been the start of a whole different story and the home crowds could have deserted a losing team. Remember, England did start the series as slight favourites and no pundits or ex-players, including Merv Hughes, were tipping a home series romp. Depending which version you listen to, Australia were quoted as anything from 66-1 to 100-1 at the bookies to achieve a 5-0 clean-sweep. So well played, Darren Lehmann and co. It’s been an astonishing turnaround. I’m still spinning. For all the wrong reasons. There’s still the one-dayers to look forward to. There’s still the one-dayers to look forward to. Oh, I forgot – I repeat myself when I am under stress.