Clash of Cultures fuels Ashes feud

Perhaps England’s embattled cricketers need to take note of Joe Strummer’s attitude towards visiting Australia if they are to steer their Ashes campaign back on track. When the late, great and much missed former Clash front man touched down in the plane bringing his iconic band for their first tour down under, he had no illusions about what he thought lay ahead. He reportedly approached the exit door of the aircraft with his fists clenched “ready for a fight.” He was prepared, but need not have worried. Joe got through customs and was accorded a warm reception. But such is the perception of Anglo-Australian relations, that expectations can become a little distorted. I first landed in Sydney in January 1984 and felt a little bit like Joe. A mixture of excitement  and trepidation. It was the day after Dennis Lillee, Rod Marsh and Greg Chappell had all played their final Test at the SCG against Pakistan. I had come here to this great southern land on a working holiday visa looking forward to sport and sunshine and whatever else. But as my plane descended through the blue skies and I saw all the red roofs of the red houses though the intense glare, I wondered what I would walk into in this city that appeared at first glance to be a cross between San Francisco and Manchester. After all, I did love beating this lot at cricket when England could manage it.  But like Mr Strummer, I was fine. Since those now distant days I have commuted between the two continents but still love England beating the Aussies on the cricket  field. So I reckon I know a thing or two about what makes both tribes tick. The first sight I beheld at the Mascot arrival lounge was a massive billboard promoting the Michael Parkinson show on Aussie TV. How weird… A Lancastrian arrives at the other side of the globe and is greeted by the grinning visage of an archetypal Yorkshireman. And in part, this instantly explains, in my eyes at least, Australia’s oddball stance over the UK. For one, they hate just about everything about us but at the other extreme can’t get enough of us. The TV screens and newspapers are full of stories about all events back in Blighty. They love Royalty – even though they pretend not to. Whereas I genuinely loathe the Queen and all her hangers-on. And yet if you travel in the other direction, you will struggle to pick up the merest morsel of news from Australia. The average Joe or Jane  walking down a street in Bolton or Bournemouth would not be the slightest bit interested in Australia. As Kevin Pietersen rightly said, winding up the natives before the first Test,  they would probably not even have heard of Brisbane or have a clue where the place was. And why should they?  All the standard Cockney, Geordie or Scouser would know about know about Oz is sunshine and “Neighbours”. Oh, and cricket. Which brings us back to where we started. So what has elevated the current Ashes conflict to new levels of fear and loathing? Well, for a start Australia have been losing. They don’t like that. And now back on their home turf, they want to start dishing out some overdue retribution.  And with plenty of flak along the way. And, as the Adelaide Test looms, so far they have made a pretty good job of it. The Brisbane massacre, the sledging furore and the sad departure of Jonathan Trott has the Aussies right where they want to be. Shame there hasn’t been much humour along the way. But as the great Wilpshire wisecrack artist Shaun Gill noted during  his nine-and-a-half illegal years chez Ultimo and Glebe in Sydney, Aussies “don’t do humour.”  Shaun reckoned that subtlety and irony was wasted on Aussies. “They just like to see someone hit with a plastic hammer on the head or with a custard pie across the face,’ he worked out. Certainly, the Monty Python team, now ready for a reunion, could never have come from Australia. So that’s why we should hope David Warner is given free rein with his dumb comments. Rather than get riled, just let him run with his inarticulate drivel.  With his past history, you have to ask if you would like this bloke as a mate, which is the ultimate social barometer  for Aussie males. And for me, too. Well, I don’t think I’d like to meet up with him down the pub. It’s a good job he’s a useful cricketer cos he hardly seems like a candidate to appear on “University Challenge’.  Just let him get on with it. The more he says, the more he seems as thick as a docker’s butty. The Aussie banter, both from the cricketers and media, has been spectacularly banal. Who needs Ron Burgundy when you have Karl Stevanovic on Channel Nine.  Even Matty Hayden comes across as some boor from the Bush. All hicks in an idyllic backwater still desperate to muscle up and pretend to be important on the global stage. Why bother? Just enjoy your great country. Don’t get involved. Chill out. But let’s be fair – James Anderson must have said something out of order to be on the end of riling cricket’s equivalent of David Beckham. The rout was virtually complete by then. Anyway, it’s Adelaide next. Maybe things will calm down. And perhaps England can turn things around. The Perth Test of 2010-11 ran a strangely similar course to Brisbane and all turned out well at Melbourne and Sydney. And last year in India, England produced an extraordinary backflip in form after a first-Test mauling. The Clash belted out “I’m so bored with the U.S.A.” in their early days. All very aggressive but tongue in cheek. I don’t suppose Joe and the lads were ever bored by Oz. It’s such fun here – especially when their cricketers keep opening their mouths. Anyway, stay tuned for more tales from behind enemy lines. And a pub survival guide to Adelaide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

Adelaide Oval revamp look the real deal

The sign said “Car Park full’. Nothing unusual in that, except this was outside Adelaide Oval on the first day of the Sheffield Shield game between South Australia and Western Australia.  Redbacks’ officials must have been rubbing their eyes in disbelief at such an event. Having espoused the joys of four-day cricket in my last epistle, even I was a mite surprised at this sudden convergence of new converts to the cause. There was of course an underlying reason to more than 6,000 fans bringing a larger than usual audience to Shield proceedings. It was the chance to be ‘nosey parkers” and have a free peak at the revamped Adelaide Oval. After all the hullaballoo, this was akin to being invited to a real estate  “open” to see whether the property was desirable or not. Adelaide as a city seems to suspicious of any kind of change and amid the clamour to welcome this new development there seems to have been murmurs of discontent about “ruining” one of the world’s most picturesque cricketing ovals. And beyond this, of not being able  to see the Adelaide Hills because of the monstrous new stands. But aren’t we there to watch the cricket? Or from next March, Aussie Rules? Well, I’m not an expert on architecture but it all looked fine to me. Surely you have to move with the times. There were certain sections of the old ground which, to me, looked rather tired rather than being a tourist attraction. And even though the noise of the ensuing work going on as the cricket was in motion, gave it all the feel of a building site I was won over. The Hill remains, with its window to the world. It seems to give the new-look arena an escape clause from being merely a concrete jungle.  English football went through all this trauma of grounds being revamped or replaced with the advent of the Premier League in 1992. True, some stadiums are almost identikit in their appearance. The Riverside at Middlesbrough looks much like the City Ground of Nottingham Forest, which in turn resembles Southampton’s alter-ego headquarters. But these upheavlas had to be initiated in order to turn Victorian slum arenas from modern day death traps into places fit to view the sport in comfort. Adelaide Oval hardly had such severe problems to address but to my first glance it all looks rather grand and seems to have done the trick. The Ashes Test looms on the horizon and though all the rebuilding will not be complete, it should prove a fitting backdrop to its first taste of big-time action. I’m sure the visiting English fans won’t give a toss that they may not be able to see the Adelaide Hills from wherever they are sat. Bring it on…

Glorious Glenelg: Hail four-day cricket

Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside. Well, actually Glenelg Oval is about  a five-minute walk (proceeding swiftly) from the beach. But with Adelaide Oval on its massive revamp, the Bayside arena hosted the South Australia’s first Sheffield Shield game of the season against Queensland. So it was bliss to be there for the third day of an encounter that seemed evenly poised. Under blue skies and with James Squire pale ale on sale in the bar, what could be better. I have a confession. I am old. I am 58 in January. That, in my eyes, makes me old. It also explains why I prefer the four-day format of cricket to the supposed razamataz of Twenty20 and even the 50-over form of the game. The first-class game is like a session of chess played out on green grass. The situation can fluctuate or hurtle headlong towards a ruthless kill. Sometimes, it’s simply stalemate. But that can be captivating too. And from a spectators’ point of view, there is all day to savour the experience. I was brought up on the first-class game, venturing to Old Trafford at an early age rather than watching the local leagues. So I ended up wearying over Lancashire’s seemingly inability to win a County Championship until they finally put things right in 2011. But the twists and turns, which are taken to a higher plane at Test level, always gripped me. I can watch solo or engage in chinwag with multiple mates or just one on one. So it happened on the third day at Glenelg as I ran into Peter Cornwall, a luminary from The Advertiser sports desk. I used to be a colleague of Peter’s until I ran foul of The Gorgon. But that’s another tale, so let’s not stray down into that dark abyss. Peter and I discussed the immediate prospects of Stoke City, the fallout of the recent Ashes series in England and even the quality of the Glenelg Oval pies. Meanwhile, out in the centre Queensland seemed to be making slow progress in pursuit of South Australia’s 387. But it was their call,  which made it all the more intriguing. And they did have their squad seemingly torn asunder by a mystery stomach bug. Maybe it was a dodgy kebab or two. The Bulls have former Lancashire stalwart Stuart Law as their mentor so he should know what he is doing in managing the situation. It actually made a welcome change to see a duel of  attrition and proper field settings after monitoring the one-day series between India and Australia during the evenings on Fox. There have been so many sixes hit over on the subcontinent that the 50-over format seemed to mutate into some bastardised version of baseball. It appeared to be just a slogfest full of sixes and fours. It seems strange to be almost complaining  about such big hitting, but I started to feel sorry for the bowlers. For the batsmen, it seemed boundaries or nowt. Though they did enjoy themselves. Quick singles and bothering to even run at all seemed to have been forgotten about. That was until Virat Kholi endured a run out confusion and exited for a duck. The Shield game eventually finished in a draw, but not before spinner Cameron Boyce (seven for 68) had caused late concerns in the Redbacks’ ranks. The next Shield game is at the new-look Adelaide Oval. And it’s FREE. I think more folk should be told about this. How brilliant. First-class cricket for free. Spread the word..